What Cannot Be Found
by Tacel
Summary: He stared at her, vulnerable for the first time, and Jenna did the only thing she knew could hurt Alex back. She turned away and left. Alex/Jenna
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I'll get right back to work on Adept's Guide to Weyard, I promise, but this story has been pestering me to the point that made me pick up writing again in the first place. Mostly because while replaying The Lost Age, I found myself wondering why Alex and Jenna's conversations were so tense/odd/awkward/etc. So I filled in the blanks. Title comes from the song excerpt below.

* * *

I found your life in grey and white and never thought I'd color it.  
And love put up an awful fight.  
You never made your peace with it.

So stay where you are. And hold what you love.  
And feel what you want. And know all the while.  
Don't hurt 'til it's done  
-Copeland, "What Cannot Be Found, Pt. 1"

* * *

What Cannot Be Found

* * *

They're back in Bilibin again, delayed for a whole day waiting on Saturos to recover. Menardi has used what healing psynergy she has, as well as some healing herbs, but the only thing really ailing her frightening partner is his wounded pride. Nevertheless, neither Kraden nor Jenna mind the delay; perhaps Isaac and Garet can catch up to them.

It's strange, really, to think that in the short time since her capture, that the boys she'd grown up with had advanced so far as warriors, while she remained the same. She'd learned a little from watching the two Fire Adepts leading this expedition, but Felix and Kraden tended to keep her at a distance. Sometimes she wasn't sure which side was which anymore, and even her more violent objections at being treated in such an offhand manner ended in failure. Jenna wasn't sure what she had expected, being reunited with her brother, but it certainly wasn't engulfing silence, with confusion on her side and guilt on his.

She tried not to let herself feel isolated, knew that Kraden and Felix only acted out of concern, but every now and then, on nights like this one, the only emotion Jenna was sure of was loneliness. She missed her aunt and uncle, Vale, and her friends—especially Isaac. Some days she could almost feel a ghost of his hand in hers, a trace of teasing laughter from Garet echoing in her ears. Nothing had happened before the disaster at the Sanctum, but some nights she wondered if that progression from friend to more had been altered, maybe lost, due to those events. Jenna had noticed the pretty blue-haired girl from Imil, and when she was being rational knew there was nothing to be suspicious of, especially after Kraden let slip that this girl and Alex had been very close before he joined up with Saturos and Menardi.

Of everyone she was forced to travel with, Alex was the only one she couldn't understand. Saturos and Menardi sought to restore the lighthouses with a military efficiency, working for their hometown of Prox; Felix helped because they had saved his life; Kraden, being the scholar that he was, could not help but be curious. Alex seemed too calm to be power-mad, but too detached from the others to care about the problems of a faraway place called Prox. It was all very strange.

But Jenna didn't like to think about Alex much. He made her uncomfortable; he always looked at her like he knew something she didn't, and his cool, smooth speeches only irritated her.

And so, even though he had only briefly passed through her mind, Jenna rolled her eyes, turned over in her bed, and let out an annoyed sigh. It was too early to sleep, but being confined to the inn left her very few options. So even though she was startled by the knock at her door, Jenna couldn't help but flounce off the bed and to the door. She was less pleased to see Alex at the door, a placid expression on his face that she chose to interpret as contemptuous.

"What do you want?" all of her eagerness was masked by indignation.

"Just checking to make sure you were still alive, my dear, that's all," Alex replied calmly, though he found that he was actually amused by her anger. With her hands on her hips, standing several inches shorter than him, the Water Adept couldn't help but find the fiery girl funny.

His face was still impassive when she characteristically rolled her eyes at him, even as she suddenly announced,

"Still breathing, desperately bored. What are the chances we can sneak out?" Jenna looked a little surprised at her own words, in spite of her attempts to look imperious.

"If you like. I suppose you've considered the fact that you can't be noticed by the townspeople, or face Menardi's wrath."

"As if you don't know how to avoid people and find sneaky places."

"What Jenna, what _are_ you suggesting?" Now he raised his eyebrows, for dramatic effect, and was pleased when she blushed.

"That's not what I meant and you know it!"

"I do apologize."

"Yeah, yeah, can we go now?"

"Certainly, my dear." With an unnecessary flourish that he knew would irritate her, Alex waved her out of her room, closing the door softly behind them.

"We can leave through the kitchens, if you please. They're closed for the evening, and it opens up to a rather…deserted place. From there we should be able to climb up to the town's wall."

"Fine."

Jenna was beginning to debate the good sense in following through with her impulsive behavior. But the thought of going back to her room, back to the lonely isolation for the evening, was so unbearable that she found she really didn't care. Besides, Alex would keep his mouth shut, providing some much needed company without needling her nerves any further. She hoped.

The kitchen was pitch dark, and Jenna instinctively began focusing to create a flame to see by. Alex instantly put it out, and when she started to protest, clamped a hand on her wrist.

"I thought you wanted to get out unnoticed," he explained in a whisper, and Jenna could practically sense his smirk in the darkness. Retaining his cool grip on her wrist, he guided them to the door and out the door with no further incident.

When they were safely on the far side of Bilibin's log walls, Jenna glanced around, studying the view. The beginnings of Lady McCoy's mansion lay to her left, casting skeletal shadows in the moonlight, while soft yellow lights flickered from windows in a few houses, in spite of the late hour. Although she preferred the bolder contrasts of sunny days, there was something haunting in the moonlight that appealed to the gaping loneliness, something Alex seemed to feel as well, judging by his face.

And how very odd that his guard was down long enough for her to notice, Jenna thought, and found herself studying her least favorite companion in total silence. It crossed her mind that he must have really loved intrigue to bother sneaking her out like this, and she smiled at the private joke. Naturally, Alex chose that moment to look her way, his face impassive once more, but his voice teased as he said softly,

"You're not becoming some sort of lovesick puppy, are you?"

"Hardly. Your impeccable manners offend me." But she was grinning all the same.

"Ah. So grunting oafs like that Garet are your type?"

"Please! I thought you were smarter than that!"

"So it's Isaac then?" He asked, and knew immediately he'd hit the mark. "Ah…" He wasn't willing to apologize, but he did feel a bit bad about the sadness that covered her face now.

"It hardly matters now." She finally said, as coldly as she could muster. "At least I didn't leave him by choice," Jenna added, and Alex's guilt evaporated as she struck back.

"Mia means nothing to me," He replied, none too convincingly, and they sat quietly, nursing their wounds in bitter silence.

Alex's hearing must have gotten confused, for he could have sworn he'd heard her sniff, possibly stifling tears, and he moved to try and make amends, but was hotly rebuffed.

"Just leave me alone!"

"You're the one who wanted to come here, remember?" He shot back, still reserved, but with some tension in his voice now.

"Yeah, well, sometimes I make stupid decisions!" Jenna replied. Their voices were still quiet, but the anger was unmistakable.

"Like this!?" Alex replied, angry in spite of himself, moving closer to make sure he was heard.

"This is the prime example!" Jenna hissed.

And without thinking, feeling, or understanding, compulsion sent her closer to this insufferable Mercury Adept, and even though she was fairly certain she felt nothing but revulsion towards him, Jenna found herself entangled in Alex, lips against lips, a tangle of long hair (brown and blue), hands, clothes, bodies, confusion. They shot apart briefly, long enough for Alex to say,

"So this is a mistake, then?"

Jenna nodded, and this time Alex initiated, violently kissing her mouth, eyes, neck. They fumbled clumsily with clothes, Jenna's hands against his neck and in his hair while Alex's explored. When he began to fumble at the ties of her dress, she pulled away, her shocked expression mirroring his own. This wasn't right; she didn't want him and he didn't want her. Not really. She wanted Isaac, not Alex, and no amount of loneliness and chemistry was going to convince her otherwise.

And Alex wanted Mia, of that she was more than a little certain. Quietly, she pushed herself to her feet, and he did the same. They didn't speak again on their way back to the inn, and he left her wordlessly at the door of her room before heading inside his own.

Now, once again lying restlessly on her bed, Jenna felt awash with emotions—the loneliness was heavier than before. She missed Isaac worse than before, even as she replayed what had happened and what might have. But the cooling burn left on her lips, which should have only brought guilt, tasted like desire.

* * *

After spending a week avoiding each other as best as they could, Alex and Jenna returned to a tense civility which was nearly indistinguishable from their previous behavior. Felix had given her curious glances, but hardly considered himself an expert on his sister after three years' separation. Saturos and Menardi didn't care a whit about it, so long as everyone kept pace. Whatever Kraden thought, he kept it to himself.

Sometimes Jenna considered a repeat of that night, or broaching the subject at all, but she found that with a fellow female captive, Sheba, her privacy was severely limited. Besides, those moments of weakness were quickly followed by reassurances that she was only missing Isaac, and so she never looked for opportunities. But resting on Menardi and Saturos' ship while others planned their ascent of Venus lighthouse, she could feel Alex's cool eyes surveying her, like a signal.

She went above deck, and even though she wasn't particularly fond of the night sky or the waves lapping against the boat, Jenna found herself waiting for Alex. And sure enough, he appeared beside her, silently. With no pretenses, she asked,

"Where's everyone else? Won't they notice we're gone?"

"They're busy planning, and Sheba's asleep. I irritated them to the point of getting myself dismissed. They won't look for me for hours. I come and go, remember?"

Jenna smiled in spite of herself, and said, "Typical," before he swooped down and kissed her again.

She hadn't forgotten the feel of his lips, but time seemed to have only intensified her desire to kiss back, clutch tighter, against the pangs of being separated from Isaac and home. But she wasn't thinking of Isaac and their almost relationship, not this time. Leaning against the ship edge was too risky, and she found herself up against the cabin walls, while they fumbled clumsily at each others' clothes and hair. And yet again, they stopped as abruptly as they began. Jenna hesitated, and as soon as she did, Alex released his grip, and was gone.

* * *

When he abandoned them in Daila, Jenna was both unhappy and grateful. Now her guilt didn't haunt her in his form, but just as she could sometimes sense the ghost of Issac's embrace, Jenna now sometimes felt Alex's cooling lips at her mouth. And even when she dreamed happily of being reunited with her two friends, Jenna sometimes heard a melancholy echo that murmured, "Sorry, my dear."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I thought I was done with this story, and you did too. But apparently, my little one-shot had other ideas—especially when a darling Fiction Family song provided me with ideas for a better conclusion. Better, not happier.

Disclaimer: I don't own Golden Sun. I just write weird little stories for fun.

* * *

_You were indifferent; I was young_

_We were both drinking fiction with greedy tongues…_

_I was waiting for something, someone to happen, something ridiculous_

_Climbing the walls and falling in what I now would call your bluff_

_Please don't call it love._

Fiction Family, "Please Don't Call It Love"

* * *

_What Cannot Be Found, Part II:_

_

* * *

  
_

Jenna had never considered that they would miss Saturos and Menardi. And for the most part, they didn't, but trudging through Yampi Desert, struggling to get past obstacles the Master Adepts would have blown through, she found that part of her missed being able to stand idly by while they eliminated all the monsters and obstacles. Quickly, the rest of her rebelled against the very idea—they were gone and these trials, though unpleasant, would allow her to finally come into her own as an adept.

It was a constant struggle, wanting to be both protected and independent. The more she considered this, the more Jenna began to suspect that this very conflict was what impeded Felix's attempts to reconnect with her. True, they had made some progress over the past few weeks; being cast into leadership had forced him to communicate with everyone more openly, and Jenna was finding it easier to relinquish the idolization that had stemmed from his supposed death and been destroyed that day in Sol Sanctum. There were moments when she found that they were squabbling like when they had been children, and rather than alarm her, Jenna found that those were her favorite moments of all.

The loneliness that had consumed her in captivity was long gone, filled by her renewed bond with her brother, and a budding friendship with Sheba. Although young, the blond girl was nothing if not smart, and although the transition from Child of the Gods to humbled traveler had been a difficult one, Jenna found she liked this new Sheba more and more, even if there were unanswered questions about her motives for journeying with them on this trip. Having a female friend was an exciting experience in itself, for Jenna had always divided her time between Felix, Garet, and Isaac as a child (she'd never quite taking a liking to Kay, who was just a little too obsessive about her garden).

Of course, not a day went by when she didn't miss Isaac and Garet. Kraden had begun to explain why they were continuing the Fire Clan's quest, enough for her to know that it was imperative to continue, but she desperately wanted to see her friends again, and explain everything that she knew. Jenna missed Garet's (often cheesy) jokes and constant energy, and her heart ached for Isaac's warm smile. There were so many things unsaid between her and Isaac. The threat of conflict between her brother and her friends was occasionally paralyzing, waking her at night in a cold sweat from nightmares full of bloodshed and tears.

But looming beneath all of these changes and feelings was a whisper of longing for a blue-haired Adept that she simultaneously loathed and wanted. Alex. Just the name of the Mercury Adept made her skin crawl with disdain, but then the sensation would change into something more akin to butterflies and wanting. Usually, the Mars Adept would banish the sensations with thoughts of sunny Isaac, but some days she found she almost missed the icy mannerisms, the calculation. Part of her had been greatly disappointed when there'd been no sign of him in Madra, and now, in the desert, the only people they'd encountered were yet more Madrans. Irritated with herself, Jenna kicked a small rock out of her path, and Sheba looked at the older girl with curiosity. Felix was several paces ahead, on the lookout for yet more monsters, while Kraden lagged a few steps behind.

"Everything all right?" asked Sheba, and Jenna nodded, replying,

"Just tired of this stupid desert."

"There have been a lot of turnarounds, haven't there? I wonder if—" Whatever the Jupiter Adept was going to say hung forgotten in the air, as they drew their weapons to fend off the large bird-like creature that had charged towards Felix.

* * *

Alhafra was the largest town they'd seen since Tolbi. Even with all of the damages, it was still a busy, productive place, full of unfamiliar sights, sounds, and sensations. The sailing ship, even damaged, was a sight to behold, and even Felix was more than a little curious about exploring the interior. Jenna was a little embarrassed when her indignant outburst drew the attention of Briggs and his men, and although the fight was difficult, she felt some satisfaction in being able to hold her own. The ensuing confrontation between the mayors of Madra and Alhafra, without even a chance to recover, left them exhausted and grateful for a good night's rest.

The next morning, Felix's irritation with the town's mayor and its strangely loyal people left him eager to keep moving, but Jenna and Sheba prevailed upon him to hang around for one more day. Besides, Sheba had argued, they had promised to help fix the ship, and who knew when they'd next get a comfortable night's rest in a warm, soft bed? Felix had caved, predictably unable to refuse his sister and his friend over something so small. Kraden opted to converse with the resident scholar, curious about the workings of the ship, and Sheba had dragged Felix towards the merchants, intent on making him replace his armor, which was falling apart. Jenna had volunteered to book a room for the evening, not particularly interested in watching her brother haggle over the price of leather gloves. The innkeeper had been harried, obviously trying to deal with the inundation of people whose homes had been destroyed by the tidal wave, but her willingness to pay brought an enthusiastic response,

"Four, you said? There's a room with enough beds upstairs. Close quarters, I know, but it's the best I can do at the moment."

"We'll take it!"

"Wonderful! I should warn you, though, the current occupier hasn't left quite yet."

"Well, I doubt they want to take anything from our smelly packs. I'll just drop mine off, if you don't mind," Jenna flashed her best smile, and the slightly flustered innkeeper nodded, handing over the key.

Her bag hit the floor with a thud, and the current occupant whirled around, hand immediately grabbing for the hilt of his rapier.

"Alex?" Jenna stammered, and found, to her horror, that she was blushing. The Mercury Adept immediately released his hold on his sword, and in two swift strides, crossed the room, picked up her bag, and handed it back.

"I have to say, my dear, you actually succeeded in startling me," and the faintest twitch of that irritating smirk flickered on his face for a moment. Jenna took a step back then skirted around him, to deposit the pack on one of the four beds. She noticed that all of the beds were untouched—did he not sleep? It was silly, but for a moment she wondered if he was even mortal. And all the while, he was still looking at her with that infuriating bemused expression, something akin to the way people often looked at curiosities or unsupervised children.

"Sorry to intrude on your brooding, but it is our room now," Jenna finally said, far too late to count as a real reply. Alex raised his eyebrows, and repeated,

"Our room?" And Jenna blushed yet again, and hotly replied,

"Mine. Felix's. Sheba's. You know—those people that you abandoned."

"Well, my dear, I've always been the solitary type."

Jenna didn't have a chance to refute this, as Felix and Sheba came through the open door, Sheba's mouth hanging open in surprise for just a moment. Felix frowned, less than pleased to see Alex, whom he'd never particularly liked.

"Ah, I see the whole group's here. But where is your esteemed scholar? Was the desert too dreary for dear Kraden?" And just like that, Alex managed to single-handedly irritate all three of them.

"I was looking for a ship, you see. But I suppose I'll have to look elsewhere…" Alex gave a slight and slightly mocking bow, and was gone.

"Insufferable…" Jenna muttered, darkly, and Felix actually chuckled. Sheba shook her head and added,

"Even reading his mind is irritating. Either he mocks me for trying, or he's too busy moping about some girl named Mia…"

Felix shrugged again, and asked,

"Well, should we go track down Kraden?"

"Yeah, talking about boats might be too _dreary_," Sheba replied dryly, and the three vacated the room.

* * *

Dinner was full of boiled vegetables, with no fresh fish to be found, and all four picked at their food. Kraden was attempting to explain all the workings of the ship they had unsuccessfully tried to repair, but Jenna only heard snatches of the conversation as she pushed various green things around her plate, pretending it would make them disappear. If the others had asked, she'd have blamed her foul mood on the equally unappealing food, but truth be told, she was alternating between being angry and disappointed. Blaming Alex for still loving Mia only led to self-incrimination, and then blaming Isaac for not being there, for never having established if they were even together, led only to bitter disappointment in her own fickle feelings.

Anger-Blame-Guilt-Anger-Blame-Guilt.

With a loud clatter, she dropped her spoon onto the plate, and excused herself, declaring that she was tired. No one stopped her.

* * *

She lay awake in the darkness, listening to Kraden's snores from across the room. Jenna had feigned sleep when the others came in, unwilling to admit that anything was wrong. She'd listened to Kraden whisper good-night, heard Sheba whisper to Felix if he thought Jenna might be ill. He'd disagreed, but once he was certain the others were sleeping, he'd tiptoed over and draped her quilt over her shoulders. For a moment, Jenna felt a pang of guilt over making her brother worry, but she was more touched by the gesture than anything else.

Brotherly gestures didn't necessarily help Jenna with her current state of insomnia, so when the clouds cleared, allowing the moon to shine through the window, she slowly crept out of her bed and tiptoed downstairs. If she thought of the time she'd done the same thing in Bilibin, the Mars Adept was unaware of it. She only wanted to wander a little and clear her head.

A brisk walk around the town revealed shadowy trees, the occasional candlelit window, and one stray cat. As she began ambling back towards the inn, Jenna was surprised to find that she was disappointed. Expecting to encounter Alex in the darkness, like one of those sappy stories her aunt used to read?

"Stupid…" she whispered, and the trees stood forlornly in reply. Of course Alex wasn't there; he'd checked out of his room, hadn't he?

"Probably halfway to Imil…" she whispered again, because the trees weren't going to laugh.

But then they did. Jenna whipped around, hand instinctively looking for her staff, only to remember she was unarmed. That icy laugh echoed again, and her brain finally caught up enough to realize trees didn't laugh, and they certainly didn't sound like Alex.

"I'm afraid I've startled you. Then again, that would make us even, my dear."

That same arrogance. Why had she been mooning around in the dark anyways? Irritated and embarrassed, Jenna only glared at the now-visible Adept before storming off. She wasn't sure why she chose to head towards the boat instead of the inn—perhaps because he was blocking the way, but Jenna wasn't entirely angry when he followed her, either.

"I see I've upset you," he said coolly once she'd stopped long enough for him to speak. They were standing in the ruins just west of the docks, puddles and debris surrounding them and casting eerie shadows in the moonlight. Jenna only crossed her arms.

"Who's halfway to Imil?" Alex ventured again, and Jenna could almost hear curiosity in his voice. Almost. But she could hardly say "you," and so countered with a question,

"Sheba says you mope about some girl called Mia." Okay, so it was more of a challenge.

"We grew up together. She's probably not pleased that we lit Mercury Lighthouse, but lighting them is more important to me than anything." And strangely enough, Jenna believed him.

"Anything else you want to know that's not your business?" he asked, adding as an afterthought, "my dear?"

"Why do you always have to say that?" Jenna accused, placing herself square in front of him, secretly pleased when Alex's eyes widened.

"Common courtesy," he managed, trailing off when Jenna's hands reached his chest, the left one pulling his cloak in a less-than-subtle advance. And even though he was pretty sure he didn't care for her fiery temper and found her brashness far too childlike, he kissed her. And even though she didn't have shining blue eyes as pure as the snow, or a voice that softly hypnotized him with its kindness, he kissed her eyes, her throat. Oh, how he missed Mia, who with all of her kindness would have none left for him after his betrayal. It was too late for them, and so he allowed this irritation, this _girl_, to act in Mia's stead, knowing he was being cruel, but unwilling to care. Besides, Jenna would always stop him sooner or later, like before.

Jenna, on the other hand, was finding it difficult to pull back. It was mutual frustration that pulled them together, and cool hands and lips that subdued her temper long enough to keep them fumbling, exploring. Because she wanted to understand why Alex was so cold, and because Isaac wasn't there, and she wanted him to understand (but which him?).

The faintest of mistaken whispers – "Mia" – and softest of sighs broke the spell. Jenna grew rigid, suddenly understanding. There was no big mystery to Alex after all. He wanted alchemy, he wanted Mia, and because he wanted the former more than everything else, everything else could be trampled in the process. He stared at her, vulnerable for the first time, and Jenna did the only thing she knew could hurt Alex back. She turned away and left.

Jenna didn't think about Alex with longing anymore.


End file.
